[Editor’s Note: Owing to the problems being faced by people in the current difficult times, ace-journalist LoonyTalk has been flooded with queries for guidance. We present here excerpts from some of his responses that might be of interest to our general audience.]
Q. Dear LoonyTalk,
Can Asif Ali Zardari arm-twist the Pak Army and the ISI to extradite terrorists involved in the 26/11 attack to India?
-Pranab Mukherjee, MEA, India
LT: Dear Pranab Da,
Miya Zardari is currently preoccupied with convincing General Kayani and the intelligence officials to not extradite him to India on charges of incompetence in handling terrorism-related issues; so I believe that he won’t even consider raising the contentious issue of extraditing the 26/11 terrorists with them.
Q. Dear LoonyTalk,
It has been only a week since the Obama Inauguration and I’m already missing the Bush-isms and Palin-dromes. They were a source of humor in my otherwise dull day. What should I do?
-Depressed Republican, New Delhi
LT: Dear Depressed Republican,
Come on, don't get disheartened: In this era of indigenous achievements, whenever you miss the ‘Bush-isms’ and 'Palin-dromes', you can look forward to some classic 'Tai-phoids' from our very own Pratibha Tai, Sonia Gandhi's joke to the nation!
Q. Dear LoonyTalk,
Goons of Sri Rama Sena bashed up girls; their leaders went on the air, giving interviews saying they are the custodians of the Hindu culture. Sri Rama Sena is supposed to see women as embodiment of Sita, yet why do they beat up women and show no sign of remorse?
-A concerned citizen, Mangalore
LT: Dear Concerned Citizen,
The Sri Ram Sena is doing exactly what it is supposed to do. You are confused because you think they are the followers of Lord Rama. Instead, they derive their inspiration from those in Ayodhya who questioned Rama’s bringing back of Sita from Lanka and making Her the Queen. Apparently, had the Sena been present in those times, they could have shown how the pubs in Lanka’s Ashok Vatika have corrupted Her and tarnished the ‘oh-so-sensitive’ Hindu culture…
Islamabad: No soon after the all-powerful Pakistani President Asif Ali Zardari returned from his first trip abroad, political pundits have already started deciphering his political philosophy. Calling this as the ‘Zardari Doctrine’, proponents of the theory have revealed its details exclusively to ace-journalist LoonyTalk.
‘Zardari Doctrine’ = Name Theory
According to pundits, Zardari believes that a person’s name is a true reflection of his character and has been using this extensively throughout his life. Surprisingly simple in its premise, this theory is proving to be quite accurate in describing his dealings even during the recent visit to the United Nations General Assembly.
Elaborating the logic behind Zardari’s behavior when meeting US Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin, the pundits say that this was expected, since Sarah Palin means ‘universal friend’ in the Zardari Doctrine (‘Sara’ = all, in Urdu; ‘Pal’ = friend, in English => Sarah Palin = Universal friend) Since greeting a person by hugging has been an eastern tradition since time immemorial, Zardari was innocuous in his behavior.
When LoonyTalk contacted the President’s Office in this regard, Information Minister Sherry Rehman dismissed this as a bogus claim. She said that if this was true, Zardari himself should have been chewing Zarda (tobacco) all the time, which he doesn’t. Similarly she should have been offered sherry (fortified Spanish wine) every time she visited the Bhutto household, instead of the stale tea that is the norm for all PPP officials. As a bottomline, the leader of the Opposition Pakistan Muslim League (N),Mian Nawaz Sharif should be honest and non-corrupt by the same logic, which is not the case…
Nevertheless, the pundits persistently disagree, clarifying that Zardari need not chew the Zarda publicly and can discreetly add that to his tea. Also, they point out that the President is applying his beloved doctrine only to people that matter and is dismissing attempts at its interpretation to keep it under wraps as long as possible. To consolidate their claim, they go on to explain more seemingly baffling examples:
1.Zardari’s reason for marrying late Mohtarma Benazir Bhutto (fondly called ‘Benzeer’ by her British friends) was owing to their shared passion for high-speed cars (‘Benz’ = a famous German car => Benz-eer = Mercedes Benz enthusiast!)
2.Following the tragic assassination of his wife, he has been trying different interpretations of her name to commemorate her legacy: having an utter lack of perspective on most international issues (‘Be’ = without, and ‘nazariya’ = perspective, in Urdu => Benazir = One without any perspective); and establishing blind schools in her name (‘Be’ = without, and ‘nazar’ = eyes, in Urdu => Benazir = Blind)
3.The President’s recent goof-up with the Wall Street Journal, calling Kashmiri militants ‘terrorists’ is easier to explain… Apparently, this was his maiden attempt to make a corny joke and live up to the legacy of the great Bhutto’s of the bygone era (‘Bhutta’ = corn, in Urdu => Bhutto = corny)
4.Bilawal was named so since he was way too spendthrift for children of his age and the Zardari household was always receiving invoices of his extravagant credit card spendings (‘Bill’ = invoice, in English; ‘aawal’ = coming, in Urdu => Bilawal = coming of invoices)
Limitations
Although successfully applicable to most world dignitaries, the Zardari Doctrine fails miserably on India, the one country that matters the most for Pakistan:
1.President Pratibha Patil isn’t talented in anything other than being a 10 Janpath loyalist (‘Pratibha’ = talent and ‘Patil’ = head, in Marathi => Pratibha Patil = talented head of state)
2.Prime Minister Manmohan Singh is neither universally popular nor fierce (‘Manmohan’ = loved-by-all and ‘Singh’ = lion , in Hindi => Manmohan Singh= universally popular lion)
What makes matters worse is that none of the Cabinet Ministers meet the criteria:
1.Home Minister Shivraj Patil doesn’t have the ferocity of Lord Shiva, nor knows how to govern (‘Shiv’ = Lord Shiva and ‘Raj’ = governance, in Hindi => Shivraj = tactful and strong-handed administration),
2.Human Resources Minister Arjun Singh doesn’t believe in meritocracy that was epitomized by the warrior Arjun in the timeless epic Mahabharata.
[Editor’s Note: While this discovery is good news for Indians (as it keeps the Pakistani establishment guessing about Indian moves), it is expected that Zardari will improvise on this in due course of time. As always, Lair of the Loquacious Loon! will keep you posted.]
“No change in Pakistan's Kashmir policy”: Sherry Rehman
By LoonyTalk
Monday, October 06, 2008
Islamabad: Facing flak for President Asif Ali Zardari's description of militants in Kashmir as 'terrorists', the Pakistan government today said there was no change in its position and it was committed to denying the Kashmiri people their right of self-determination, albeit in its own neglected Pakistan-Occupied Kashmir (euphemistically referred to as “Azad” Kashmir!) and not Jammu and Kashmir, as thought by everyone. Zardari had made the comment during an interview with the Wall Street Journal.
Information Minister Sherry Rehman said there had been no change in Pakistan's policy on the Kashmir issue and went on to describe in her sensational revelation to ace-journalist LoonyTalk that Zardari’s statement was taken out-of-context: "Nobody in the world (or for that matter in Pakistan!) ever cares about the POK. "It is notable that the residents of POK have been struggling for their legitimate right of freedom for almost six decades now. She explained, “This is a confirmation of the consistent central position of the (ruling) Pakistan People's Party for the last 40 years, by denying the cause of POK and its struggle for self-determination. What better way to show this than as soon as the President uttered ‘Kashmir’ everyone assumed that he was talking about international relations and not domestic policy!”
The main opposition PML-N had yesterday confused Zardari's calling militant groups in POK as 'terrorists', to be his reference to Jammu & Kashmir and issued some usual nonsensical statements in protest. It said today that it would like to raise the issue in the Parliament, once Mian Nawaz Sharif’s favorite kebab shop in the Marriott Hotel is refurbished and he can be cheered up! Interestingly, Sharif was very fond of the kebabs sold there and hasn’t been eating well since it was bombed accidentally by PML-N workers confusing it to be the President House...
Zardari's statement was also criticized by hardline religious groups who have been working overtime to shift their base from the tribal belt along the Afghan border to POK ever since pilotless American drones have been making mindless (and spineless) missile attacks on them.
Rehman described the ongoing 'Pakistan-India composite dialogue' as proof of the strong material sciences research going on in the two countries, whereby fiber-reinforced carbon composites are being increasingly used in construction materials. The dialogue is therefore mainly a part of trade relations between the two neighbors.
Gaming Al-Qaeda…
By LoonyTalk
Monday, October 06, 2008
New York: President Zardari has come out as a more foresighted national leader than expected during his recent trip to the US. As it turns out, this trip wasn’t a plain political exercise, but also had commercial overtones to it. A covert deal has been signed last week by Zardari and President George Bush with Electronic Arts® (a worldwide American developer, marketer, publisher, and distributor of video games) that allows them to give the control of the drone attacks in Baluchistan to EA’s teenage users as part of its online massively-multiplayer role-playing games.
Upon being contacted, Mr. John Riccitiello, CEO of EA confirmed the news: “Nothing would delight American kids more than killing real people in real-time (emphasis added) while having fun! This will also let them vent out their violent streaks and can be helpful in reducing the number of high school shootings.”
While American kids are excited by the move and eager to try out this ‘next stage of gaming’, Osama Bin Laden is said to have called up Zardari through their hotline (normally used by the latter to warn about impending US missile attacks) and expressed his concerns. When contacted, the Pakistani Presidential Office refused to comment on the news.
1] Acceptable excuses for being late in meeting: a. Found an angel benefactor to fund the rest of my PhD. b. Got mesmerized by the graph I recently plotted and lost track of time. c. Visiting my childhood friends through a time-machine. d. A typical case of retrograde amnesia.
2] Acceptable excuses for missing a meeting: a. Abducted by aliens. b. Had been summoned by President Bush to discuss a matter of national security. c. Busy with the Olympic Torch Relay in Darfur.
3] Acceptable excuses for missing conference deadline: a. Planning for suicide.
4] Acceptable excuses for being sighted at the NFL game on the day of the deadline: a. Planning for suicide.
5] Acceptable excuses for having the time to read any of these notes: a. Planning for suicide.
Ever wondered if the famous quotes in daily news were described in filmy lines, what would be the case? Here is a sneak peek…
“I'm shocked, shocked to find that human rights violation is going on in here!” – President George W. Bush on the Chinese crackdown in Tibet [Hint: Casablanca]
“Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn!” – China to the UN Security Council on the Darfur issue [Hint: Gone with the Wind]
“Kitney aadmi they?” – The Chinese Government asking its Ambassador in France about the protests against the Olympic torch procession there [Hint: Sholay]
“To be or not to be is the question.” – Sitaram Yechuri in reply to a question about the Left’s support to the UPA in case of the 123 Agreement going ahead [Hint: To Be or Not To Be]
“The first rule of Hockey in India is: You don’t talk about Hockey in India.” – Indian Hockey Federation Chief KPS Gill on the issue of Indian Hockey Team crashing out of the Olympic Qualifiers [Hint: Fight Club]
“I'll be back.” – Russian President Vladimir Putin while relinquishing his post [Hint: The Terminator: Judgment Day]
“Chhota bachcha jaankar humko na aankh dikhaana re!” – Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez in response to US pressure about his oil deals with China [Hint: Masoom]
“Churao na beats meri Roshan...” – Music composer Ram Sampath in his plagiarism suit to the Roshans [Hint: Kareeb]
“Yeh hai Caste-istan meri jaan!” – Youth for Equality on the recent Supreme Court judgment on 27 % reservation for the OBCs [Hint: Pepsi Commercial]
Islamabad: The wait of the Pakistani people for a democracy got over today when the Pakistan People’s Party (PPP), which had emerged as the single-largest political party in the recent parliamentary elections, elected Pervez Musharraf as the leader of the PPP Legislature Party and hence the ‘two-in-one’ President & Prime Minister of Pakistan!
Announcing the decision, Mian Asif Ali Zardari, Co-chairman of the PPP, described this as similar to having a ‘Chairman & Managing Director’ and a sign of matured politics:
“Owing to the outpour of love people had shown for Mohtarma Benazir Bhutto, she was the first choice as the party’s leader in the legislature. However, we had to back-track from it to prevent the government from being ghost-run (literally!) Following this, we took cue from T-Series, the biggest audio company in the sub-continent [which still has ‘Gulshan Kumar presents’ on its every album to prevent the current management from taking any responsibility for failure] and passed a resolution saying “Benazir Bhutto presents Bilawal Bhutto Zardari”.
When Bilawal’s ineligibility to hold a political position complicated things, he nominated his childhood hero Popeye the Sailor as Pakistan’s Premiere. I tried hard to convince him that Popeye didn’t exist in real-life, but Bilawal kept giving his late mother’s reference who had made him eat spinach using the sailor’s example. Finally after three hours of coaxing, we got him to stop rolling on the ground in protest by showing some pirated Popeye the SailorDVDs. In his elation, he nominated his father [thankfully me! :)] as the second choice for the PM’s post.
For the past three decades the PPP has been BBB (Benazir Bhutto’s Baloney) with me as the best among the bunch still alive. Now given that unfortunately no sane person in Pakistan will accept me as the PM, I was forced to choose a less lucrative alternative… Instantly, I approached my ex-adversary Mian Nawaz Sharif. However, he was busy having a spinach pizza and so I waited in his drawing room where I spotted a Popeye Bendable Figure in the showcase that scared the bejesus, err… beAllah out of me! I ran out of his house right then and contemplated approaching the ousted (and currently imprisoned) Chief Justice Iftikhar Muhammad Chaudhry. However, technical issues prevented this option since the citizens of the IslamicRepublic of Pakistan cannot tolerate any remote analogy to Hindu Gods: Crowning a prisoner would surely be the Kalyugi version of dethroning Kansa to crown the jailed Maharaj Ugrasen!
To add to my woes, Inzamam-ul-Haq also refused the job after he learnt about the perennial shortage of fresh potatoes in the Prime Minister’s kitchen!
My final choice pinned on either General Ashfaq Parvez Kayani with his impeccable military credentials and the history of successful military rule in Pakistan or the ‘now-civilian’ Musharraf! So over the past month when I was preoccupied (as always) in recalculating my recent Swiss bank account transactions, I received this irresistible offer from the White House saying that if I hand over the charge to Mian Pervez, the US would give me 10 % of its exploits from heroin sales in Afghanistan… Immediately I made my decision. Need I give any more explanations?”
"I don't think so," the PML-N leader Nawaz Sharif said hours after the PPP’s declaration when asked whether he thought Zardari will be able have a deal with Pervez Musharraf before him. “We have had long-begging relationship with Mian Musharraf and I’m willing to support him as the Wazir-e-Azam if he promises to make me the Air Traffic Controller for all his future overseas flights!”
Meanwhile, Musharraf's spokesperson Rashid Qureshi was unavailable for comments.
Mumbai: In a bid to improve their public image, the two (in)famous Thackeray cousins of our times, Shiv Sena (SS) Working President Uddhav Thackeray and Maharashtra Navnirman Sena (MNS) Chief Raj Thackeray, have agreed to participate together in reality television series Bigg Boss’ next ‘politicians-only’ season. The other participants include out-of-work politicians former Prime Ministers Inder Kumar Gujral and Vishwanath Pratap Singh, and Janata Dal (United)’s lone party-member Sharad Yadav.
Sony Entertainment Television India issued a statement to the media today to inform the big news: “We are pleased to have such a distinguished group of politicians in our midst, but could not include more participants owing to the recent gag order on Raj Thackeray instructing him not to be in a group of more than five persons.”
Controversies
With the show still a month away from going on air, it has started generating controversies from day-one as MNS activists protested against the inclusion of North Indian politicians in the show… “Only Marathi manoos should be allowed to participate in Bigg Boss, as it is being shot in Mumbai!”, MNS spokesperson and former MLC Shishir Shinde told the media-persons while beating up a Bihari taxi driver who had dropped him at the party office.
Not to be left behind, Uddhav Thackeray has re-emphasized that had Amitabh Bachchan been a part of the show, he would not be considered North Indian… On the other hand, Sharad Yadav has pledged that he will perform Chhath Puja on the sets of the show to prove his point.
Meanwhile, Mr. IK Gujral is said to be having second thoughts about his participation when he came to know that Mr. VP Singh had recently met Dera Sacha Sauda Chief Baba Ram Rahim Gurmeet Singh and assured him of his support against any clashes with the Sikh community. Given Gujral’s glorious track-record of helping Punjab’s Sikh farmers during his term as the Prime Minister, his fears are not unfounded.
PTI reports that the producers of the show have asked all employees of the Hindustan Aeronautics Limited to not be part of the show’s audience, given the potential of a stoning outrage by MNS activists.
Peshawar: In a sensational revelation, Mian Asif Ali Zardari, widowed husband of slain former Pakistani Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto, has blamed Pervez Musharraf for the assassination of his beloved wife, owing to the President’s obsessive chicken-eating habits.
Addressing an election rally in Peshawar yesterday, Zardari alleged that the President had tried to abduct the ‘famously-delicious chickens’ from the poultry farm attached to their ancestral family home in Larkana in December 2007 on the pretext of bird-flu. When Bhutto vehemently opposed the move, he got her eliminated and finally succeeded in the dastardly act.
Itis notable that the caretaker of the Bhutto’s private poultry farm had lodged an FIR last week stating that a total of 36 chickens have gone missing from the farm's 300+ chicken population since Benazir’s funeral in December 2007.
Zardari elaborated how the Pakistani President has been a big supporter of chicken consumption during his rule: “We all watched helplessly as Musharraf passed the infamous Madrassa Ordinance in 2006, asking all madrassas to own a poultry farm adjoining their institution and also teach students about the benefits of eating chicken every-day. Recently government sources have told me about plans to use the chickens stolen from our farm to prepare the Welcome Dinner for the US Secretary of State, Condoleezza Rice. This appears to be true since this act is sure to benefit Musharraf immensely: either it will glorify his dinner by cooking my delicious healthy chickens, or kill the rude Rice if they are actually infected [as alleged by government sources in December]!” He vowed to carry on his slain wife's mission and get the chickens back as soon as the PPP receives a majority in the upcoming elections.
On the other hand, President Musharraf's spokesperson Rashid Qureshi dismissed Zardari’s allegations as eyewash and raised questions about the intentions behind such statements: “We deeply regret the loss of the tasty chickens, but strongly believe that it is an insider job and there is no truth in Mian Zardari’s allegations.” He went on to present documentary evidence showing that Zardari had himself been convicted of chicken theft in a juvenile court forty years back. “With Bhutto gone, there is nobody to stop him and hence forced by habit he is stealing 10 % of the chickens…”
Musharraf stole Sharif’s kidney!
By LoonyTalk
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Lahore: The Pakistan Muslim League (Nawaz) leader Mian Nawaz Sharif has alleged that President Pervez Musharraf stole his kidney without his consent and is now unwilling to even pay him for the ‘service’. President Musharraf's spokesperson Rashid Qureshi reluctantly confirmed the incident, describing this as the ‘only national service’ Sharif has ever done!
In an exclusive interview with ‘Lair of the Loquacious Loon’ held at Nawaz’s residence on Saturday evening, he held President Pervez Musharraf responsible for the recent wrong-doings done to him. Mian Sharif had been admitted to the ArmyMedical College in Rawalpindi on January 30, 2008 for having kidney stones removed, but the doctors removed his ‘stoned kidney’ itself.
“This is simply disgusting! I am 58 years young and have had kidney stones diagnosed since age 18 (1968)”, Sharif said. “My stones have occurred approximately one episode per year and our family urologist has removed them everytime without any problem. However, with our urologist perennially stoned nowadays [on heroin imported from Afghanistan], I had to visit the ArmyHospital where the incident happened…”
Meanwhile, Mr. Qureshi has insisted that the President is innocent: “The kidney from Mr. Sharif was used to help our ailing national hero Dr. Abdul Qadeer Khan who has been on dialysis of late. Mr. Sharif was an obvious choice for the patriotic task, given that Dr. Khan had insisted on having the organs only from a donor of equally corrupt stature.” He further stated that since Dr. Khan has been out of the nuclear proliferation business since 2003, he cannot pay Mian Nawaz for the ‘help’…
International Pressure on Musharraf
PTI reports that Indian investigation agencies have taken serious notice of the incident after the arrested kidney racket kingpin, Dr. Amit Kumar, also revealed names of some ‘high-profile individuals’ in the Pakistani establishment as his accomplices, during interrogation. Based on the Indian evidence, the US has also been trying to put pressure on President Musharraf to confess to the crime.
However, Musharraf plans to use his Constitutional Powers as the President to pardon himself, saying that he is already widely seen as a national thief and doesn’t require a formal conviction! Instead, he offered Bush a ‘cheap deal’ if he or any of his family-members needed an organ transplant.
In related news, Ahsan Iqbal, Spokesperson of PML-N has lauded General Ashfaq Parvez Kayani’s decision of withdrawing all army officers with two kidneys from Musharraf’s immediate security staff worrying for their health. He described this to be good for the health of the nation’s armed forces in the long run…
