Lair of the Loquacious Loon!

Ask Loony…

2009-01-31T02:02:00.003-05:00

[Editor’s Note: Owing to the problems being faced by people in the current difficult times, ace-journalist LoonyTalk has been flooded with queries for guidance. We present here excerpts from some of his responses that might be of interest to our general audience.]

Q. Dear LoonyTalk,

Can Asif Ali Zardari arm-twist the Pak Army and the ISI to extradite terrorists involved in the 26/11 attack to India?

-Pranab Mukherjee, MEA, India

LT: Dear Pranab Da,

Miya Zardari is currently preoccupied with convincing General Kayani and the intelligence officials to not extradite him to India on charges of incompetence in handling terrorism-related issues; so I believe that he won’t even consider raising the contentious issue of extraditing the 26/11 terrorists with them.

Q. Dear LoonyTalk,

It has been only a week since the Obama Inauguration and I’m already missing the Bush-isms and Palin-dromes. They were a source of humor in my otherwise dull day. What should I do?

-Depressed Republican, New Delhi

LT: Dear Depressed Republican,

Come on, don't get disheartened: In this era of indigenous achievements, whenever you miss the ‘Bush-isms’ and 'Palin-dromes', you can look forward to some classic 'Tai-phoids' from our very own Pratibha Tai, Sonia Gandhi's joke to the nation!

Q. Dear LoonyTalk,

Goons of Sri Rama Sena bashed up girls; their leaders went on the air, giving interviews saying they are the custodians of the Hindu culture. Sri Rama Sena is supposed to see women as embodiment of Sita, yet why do they beat up women and show no sign of remorse?

-A concerned citizen, Mangalore

LT: Dear Concerned Citizen,

The Sri Ram Sena is doing exactly what it is supposed to do. You are confused because you think they are the followers of Lord Rama. Instead, they derive their inspiration from those in Ayodhya who questioned Rama’s bringing back of Sita from Lanka and making Her the Queen. Apparently, had the Sena been present in those times, they could have shown how the pubs in Lanka’s Ashok Vatika have corrupted Her and tarnished the ‘oh-so-sensitive’ Hindu culture…

Pakistan Diary-III

2008-10-06T22:50:00.003-04:00

Zardari Doctrine unraveled!

By LoonyTalk

Monday, October 06, 2008

Islamabad: No soon after the all-powerful Pakistani President Asif Ali Zardari returned from his first trip abroad, political pundits have already started deciphering his political philosophy. Calling this as the ‘Zardari Doctrine’, proponents of the theory have revealed its details exclusively to ace-journalist LoonyTalk.

‘Zardari Doctrine’ = Name Theory

According to pundits, Zardari believes that a person’s name is a true reflection of his character and has been using this extensively throughout his life. Surprisingly simple in its premise, this theory is proving to be quite accurate in describing his dealings even during the recent visit to the United Nations General Assembly.

Elaborating the logic behind Zardari’s behavior when meeting US Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin, the pundits say that this was expected, since Sarah Palin means ‘universal friend’ in the Zardari Doctrine (‘Sara’ = all, in Urdu; ‘Pal’ = friend, in English => Sarah Palin = Universal friend) Since greeting a person by hugging has been an eastern tradition since time immemorial, Zardari was innocuous in his behavior.

When LoonyTalk contacted the President’s Office in this regard, Information Minister Sherry Rehman dismissed this as a bogus claim. She said that if this was true, Zardari himself should have been chewing Zarda (tobacco) all the time, which he doesn’t. Similarly she should have been offered sherry (fortified Spanish wine) every time she visited the Bhutto household, instead of the stale tea that is the norm for all PPP officials. As a bottomline, the leader of the Opposition Pakistan Muslim League (N), Mian Nawaz Sharif should be honest and non-corrupt by the same logic, which is not the case…

Nevertheless, the pundits persistently disagree, clarifying that Zardari need not chew the Zarda publicly and can discreetly add that to his tea. Also, they point out that the President is applying his beloved doctrine only to people that matter and is dismissing attempts at its interpretation to keep it under wraps as long as possible. To consolidate their claim, they go on to explain more seemingly baffling examples:

1. Zardari’s reason for marrying late Mohtarma Benazir Bhutto (fondly called ‘Benzeer’ by her British friends) was owing to their shared passion for high-speed cars (‘Benz’ = a famous German car => Benz-eer = Mercedes Benz enthusiast!)

2. Following the tragic assassination of his wife, he has been trying different interpretations of her name to commemorate her legacy: having an utter lack of perspective on most international issues (‘Be’ = without, and ‘nazariya’ = perspective, in Urdu => Benazir = One without any perspective); and establishing blind schools in her name (‘Be’ = without, and ‘nazar’ = eyes, in Urdu => Benazir = Blind)

3. The President’s recent goof-up with the Wall Street Journal, calling Kashmiri militants ‘terrorists’ is easier to explain… Apparently, this was his maiden attempt to make a corny joke and live up to the legacy of the great Bhutto’s of the bygone era (‘Bhutta’ = corn, in Urdu => Bhutto = corny)

4. Bilawal was named so since he was way too spendthrift for children of his age and the Zardari household was always receiving invoices of his extravagant credit card spendings (‘Bill’ = invoice, in English; ‘aawal’ = coming, in Urdu => Bilawal = coming of invoices)

Limitations

Although successfully applicable to most world dignitaries, the Zardari Doctrine fails miserably on India, the one country that matters the most for Pakistan:

1. President Pratibha Patil isn’t talented in anything other than being a 10 Janpath loyalist (‘Pratibha’ = talent and ‘Patil’ = head, in Marathi => Pratibha Patil = talented head of state)

2. Prime Minister Manmohan Singh is neither universally popular nor fierce (‘Manmohan’ = loved-by-all and ‘Singh’ = lion , in Hindi => Manmohan Singh= universally popular lion)

What makes matters worse is that none of the Cabinet Ministers meet the criteria:

1. Home Minister Shivraj Patil doesn’t have the ferocity of Lord Shiva, nor knows how to govern (‘Shiv’ = Lord Shiva and ‘Raj’ = governance, in Hindi => Shivraj = tactful and strong-handed administration),

2. Human Resources Minister Arjun Singh doesn’t believe in meritocracy that was epitomized by the warrior Arjun in the timeless epic Mahabharata.

[Editor’s Note: While this discovery is good news for Indians (as it keeps the Pakistani establishment guessing about Indian moves), it is expected that Zardari will improvise on this in due course of time. As always, Lair of the Loquacious Loon! will keep you posted.]

“No change in Pakistan's Kashmir policy”: Sherry Rehman

By LoonyTalk

Monday, October 06, 2008

Islamabad: Facing flak for President Asif Ali Zardari's description of militants in Kashmir as 'terrorists', the Pakistan government today said there was no change in its position and it was committed to denying the Kashmiri people their right of self-determination, albeit in its own neglected Pakistan-Occupied Kashmir (euphemistically referred to as “Azad” Kashmir!) and not Jammu and Kashmir, as thought by everyone. Zardari had made the comment during an interview with the Wall Street Journal.

Information Minister Sherry Rehman said there had been no change in Pakistan's policy on the Kashmir issue and went on to describe in her sensational revelation to ace-journalist LoonyTalk that Zardari’s statement was taken out-of-context: "Nobody in the world (or for that matter in Pakistan!) ever cares about the POK. "It is notable that the residents of POK have been struggling for their legitimate right of freedom for almost six decades now. She explained, “This is a confirmation of the consistent central position of the (ruling) Pakistan People's Party for the last 40 years, by denying the cause of POK and its struggle for self-determination. What better way to show this than as soon as the President uttered ‘Kashmir’ everyone assumed that he was talking about international relations and not domestic policy!”

The main opposition PML-N had yesterday confused Zardari's calling militant groups in POK as 'terrorists', to be his reference to Jammu & Kashmir and issued some usual nonsensical statements in protest. It said today that it would like to raise the issue in the Parliament, once Mian Nawaz Sharif’s favorite kebab shop in the Marriott Hotel is refurbished and he can be cheered up! Interestingly, Sharif was very fond of the kebabs sold there and hasn’t been eating well since it was bombed accidentally by PML-N workers confusing it to be the President House...

Zardari's statement was also criticized by hardline religious groups who have been working overtime to shift their base from the tribal belt along the Afghan border to POK ever since pilotless American drones have been making mindless (and spineless) missile attacks on them.

Rehman described the ongoing 'Pakistan-India composite dialogue' as proof of the strong material sciences research going on in the two countries, whereby fiber-reinforced carbon composites are being increasingly used in construction materials. The dialogue is therefore mainly a part of trade relations between the two neighbors.

Gaming Al-Qaeda…

By LoonyTalk

Monday, October 06, 2008

New York: President Zardari has come out as a more foresighted national leader than expected during his recent trip to the US. As it turns out, this trip wasn’t a plain political exercise, but also had commercial overtones to it. A covert deal has been signed last week by Zardari and President George Bush with Electronic Arts® (a worldwide American developer, marketer, publisher, and distributor of video games) that allows them to give the control of the drone attacks in Baluchistan to EA’s teenage users as part of its online massively-multiplayer role-playing games.

Upon being contacted, Mr. John Riccitiello, CEO of EA confirmed the news: “Nothing would delight American kids more than killing real people in real-time (emphasis added) while having fun! This will also let them vent out their violent streaks and can be helpful in reducing the number of high school shootings.”

While American kids are excited by the move and eager to try out this ‘next stage of gaming’, Osama Bin Laden is said to have called up Zardari through their hotline (normally used by the latter to warn about impending US missile attacks) and expressed his concerns. When contacted, the Pakistani Presidential Office refused to comment on the news.

Grad life blues!

2008-08-08T14:39:00.002-04:00

As a long time fan of PhD Comics, I like to think of this as my tribute to Jorge Cham! :)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Guidelines on Prof. Smith's office door:

1] Acceptable excuses for being late in meeting:
a. Found an angel benefactor to fund the rest of my PhD.
b. Got mesmerized by the graph I recently plotted and lost track of time.
c. Visiting my childhood friends through a time-machine.
d. A typical case of retrograde amnesia.

2] Acceptable excuses for missing a meeting:
a. Abducted by aliens.
b. Had been summoned by President Bush to discuss a matter of national security.
c. Busy with the Olympic Torch Relay in Darfur.

3] Acceptable excuses for missing conference deadline:
a. Planning for suicide.

4] Acceptable excuses for being sighted at the NFL game on the day of the deadline:
a. Planning for suicide.

5] Acceptable excuses for having the time to read any of these notes:
a. Planning for suicide.

Quotable Quotes!

2008-04-13T00:26:00.006-04:00

By LoonyTalk

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Ever wondered if the famous quotes in daily news were described in filmy lines, what would be the case? Here is a sneak peek…

“I'm shocked, shocked to find that human rights violation is going on in here!” – President George W. Bush on the Chinese crackdown in Tibet [Hint: Casablanca]
“Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn!” – China to the UN Security Council on the Darfur issue [Hint: Gone with the Wind]
“Kitney aadmi they?” – The Chinese Government asking its Ambassador in France about the protests against the Olympic torch procession there [Hint: Sholay]
“To be or not to be is the question.” – Sitaram Yechuri in reply to a question about the Left’s support to the UPA in case of the 123 Agreement going ahead [Hint: To Be or Not To Be]
“The first rule of Hockey in India is: You don’t talk about Hockey in India.” – Indian Hockey Federation Chief KPS Gill on the issue of Indian Hockey Team crashing out of the Olympic Qualifiers [Hint: Fight Club]
“I'll be back.” – Russian President Vladimir Putin while relinquishing his post [Hint: The Terminator: Judgment Day]
“Chhota bachcha jaankar humko na aankh dikhaana re!” – Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez in response to US pressure about his oil deals with China [Hint: Masoom]
“Churao na beats meri Roshan...” – Music composer Ram Sampath in his plagiarism suit to the Roshans [Hint: Kareeb]
“Yeh hai Caste-istan meri jaan!” – Youth for Equality on the recent Supreme Court judgment on 27 % reservation for the OBCs [Hint: Pepsi Commercial]

Lunacracy…

2008-03-13T23:06:00.009-04:00

By LoonyTalk

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Islamabad: The wait of the Pakistani people for a democracy got over today when the Pakistan People’s Party (PPP), which had emerged as the single-largest political party in the recent parliamentary elections, elected Pervez Musharraf as the leader of the PPP Legislature Party and hence the ‘two-in-one’ President & Prime Minister of Pakistan!

Announcing the decision, Mian Asif Ali Zardari, Co-chairman of the PPP, described this as similar to having a ‘Chairman & Managing Director’ and a sign of matured politics:

“Owing to the outpour of love people had shown for Mohtarma Benazir Bhutto, she was the first choice as the party’s leader in the legislature. However, we had to back-track from it to prevent the government from being ghost-run (literally!) Following this, we took cue from T-Series, the biggest audio company in the sub-continent [which still has ‘Gulshan Kumar presents’ on its every album to prevent the current management from taking any responsibility for failure] and passed a resolution saying “Benazir Bhutto presents Bilawal Bhutto Zardari”.

When Bilawal’s ineligibility to hold a political position complicated things, he nominated his childhood hero Popeye the Sailor as Pakistan’s Premiere. I tried hard to convince him that Popeye didn’t exist in real-life, but Bilawal kept giving his late mother’s reference who had made him eat spinach using the sailor’s example. Finally after three hours of coaxing, we got him to stop rolling on the ground in protest by showing some pirated Popeye the Sailor DVDs. In his elation, he nominated his father [thankfully me! :)] as the second choice for the PM’s post.

For the past three decades the PPP has been BBB (Benazir Bhutto’s Baloney) with me as the best among the bunch still alive. Now given that unfortunately no sane person in Pakistan will accept me as the PM, I was forced to choose a less lucrative alternative… Instantly, I approached my ex-adversary Mian Nawaz Sharif. However, he was busy having a spinach pizza and so I waited in his drawing room where I spotted a Popeye Bendable Figure in the showcase that scared the bejesus, err… beAllah out of me! I ran out of his house right then and contemplated approaching the ousted (and currently imprisoned) Chief Justice Iftikhar Muhammad Chaudhry. However, technical issues prevented this option since the citizens of the Islamic Republic of Pakistan cannot tolerate any remote analogy to Hindu Gods: Crowning a prisoner would surely be the Kalyugi version of dethroning Kansa to crown the jailed Maharaj Ugrasen!

To add to my woes, Inzamam-ul-Haq also refused the job after he learnt about the perennial shortage of fresh potatoes in the Prime Minister’s kitchen!

My final choice pinned on either General Ashfaq Parvez Kayani with his impeccable military credentials and the history of successful military rule in Pakistan or the ‘now-civilian’ Musharraf! So over the past month when I was preoccupied (as always) in recalculating my recent Swiss bank account transactions, I received this irresistible offer from the White House saying that if I hand over the charge to Mian Pervez, the US would give me 10 % of its exploits from heroin sales in Afghanistan… Immediately I made my decision. Need I give any more explanations?”

"I don't think so," the PML-N leader Nawaz Sharif said hours after the PPP’s declaration when asked whether he thought Zardari will be able have a deal with Pervez Musharraf before him. “We have had long-begging relationship with Mian Musharraf and I’m willing to support him as the Wazir-e-Azam if he promises to make me the Air Traffic Controller for all his future overseas flights!”

Meanwhile, Musharraf's spokesperson Rashid Qureshi was unavailable for comments.

Thackerays to clash in Bigg Boss!

2008-02-18T02:02:00.016-05:00

By LoonyTalk

Monday, February 18, 2008

Mumbai: In a bid to improve their public image, the two (in)famous Thackeray cousins of our times, Shiv Sena (SS) Working President Uddhav Thackeray and Maharashtra Navnirman Sena (MNS) Chief Raj Thackeray, have agreed to participate together in reality television series Bigg Boss’ next ‘politicians-only’ season. The other participants include out-of-work politicians former Prime Ministers Inder Kumar Gujral and Vishwanath Pratap Singh, and Janata Dal (United)’s lone party-member Sharad Yadav.

Sony Entertainment Television India issued a statement to the media today to inform the big news: “We are pleased to have such a distinguished group of politicians in our midst, but could not include more participants owing to the recent gag order on Raj Thackeray instructing him not to be in a group of more than five persons.”

Controversies

With the show still a month away from going on air, it has started generating controversies from day-one as MNS activists protested against the inclusion of North Indian politicians in the show… “Only Marathi manoos should be allowed to participate in Bigg Boss, as it is being shot in Mumbai!”, MNS spokesperson and former MLC Shishir Shinde told the media-persons while beating up a Bihari taxi driver who had dropped him at the party office.

Not to be left behind, Uddhav Thackeray has re-emphasized that had Amitabh Bachchan been a part of the show, he would not be considered North Indian… On the other hand, Sharad Yadav has pledged that he will perform Chhath Puja on the sets of the show to prove his point.

Meanwhile, Mr. IK Gujral is said to be having second thoughts about his participation when he came to know that Mr. VP Singh had recently met Dera Sacha Sauda Chief Baba Ram Rahim Gurmeet Singh and assured him of his support against any clashes with the Sikh community. Given Gujral’s glorious track-record of helping Punjab’s Sikh farmers during his term as the Prime Minister, his fears are not unfounded.

PTI reports that the producers of the show have asked all employees of the Hindustan Aeronautics Limited to not be part of the show’s audience, given the potential of a stoning outrage by MNS activists.

Pakistan Diary-II

2008-02-17T20:15:00.026-05:00

“Musharraf’s chickenitarian tastes behind Bhutto’s assassination”: Zardari

By LoonyTalk

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Peshawar: In a sensational revelation, Mian Asif Ali Zardari, widowed husband of slain former Pakistani Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto, has blamed Pervez Musharraf for the assassination of his beloved wife, owing to the President’s obsessive chicken-eating habits.

Addressing an election rally in Peshawar yesterday, Zardari alleged that the President had tried to abduct the ‘famously-delicious chickens’ from the poultry farm attached to their ancestral family home in Larkana in December 2007 on the pretext of bird-flu. When Bhutto vehemently opposed the move, he got her eliminated and finally succeeded in the dastardly act.

It is notable that the caretaker of the Bhutto’s private poultry farm had lodged an FIR last week stating that a total of 36 chickens have gone missing from the farm's 300+ chicken population since Benazir’s funeral in December 2007.

Zardari elaborated how the Pakistani President has been a big supporter of chicken consumption during his rule: “We all watched helplessly as Musharraf passed the infamous Madrassa Ordinance in 2006, asking all madrassas to own a poultry farm adjoining their institution and also teach students about the benefits of eating chicken every-day. Recently government sources have told me about plans to use the chickens stolen from our farm to prepare the Welcome Dinner for the US Secretary of State, Condoleezza Rice. This appears to be true since this act is sure to benefit Musharraf immensely: either it will glorify his dinner by cooking my delicious healthy chickens, or kill the rude Rice if they are actually infected [as alleged by government sources in December]!” He vowed to carry on his slain wife's mission and get the chickens back as soon as the PPP receives a majority in the upcoming elections.

On the other hand, President Musharraf's spokesperson Rashid Qureshi dismissed Zardari’s allegations as eyewash and raised questions about the intentions behind such statements: “We deeply regret the loss of the tasty chickens, but strongly believe that it is an insider job and there is no truth in Mian Zardari’s allegations.” He went on to present documentary evidence showing that Zardari had himself been convicted of chicken theft in a juvenile court forty years back. “With Bhutto gone, there is nobody to stop him and hence forced by habit he is stealing 10 % of the chickens…”

Musharraf stole Sharif’s kidney!

By LoonyTalk

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Lahore: The Pakistan Muslim League (Nawaz) leader Mian Nawaz Sharif has alleged that President Pervez Musharraf stole his kidney without his consent and is now unwilling to even pay him for the ‘service’. President Musharraf's spokesperson Rashid Qureshi reluctantly confirmed the incident, describing this as the ‘only national service’ Sharif has ever done!

In an exclusive interview with ‘Lair of the Loquacious Loon’ held at Nawaz’s residence on Saturday evening, he held President Pervez Musharraf responsible for the recent wrong-doings done to him. Mian Sharif had been admitted to the Army Medical College in Rawalpindi on January 30, 2008 for having kidney stones removed, but the doctors removed his ‘stoned kidney’ itself.

“This is simply disgusting! I am 58 years young and have had kidney stones diagnosed since age 18 (1968)”, Sharif said. “My stones have occurred approximately one episode per year and our family urologist has removed them everytime without any problem. However, with our urologist perennially stoned nowadays [on heroin imported from Afghanistan], I had to visit the Army Hospital where the incident happened…”

Meanwhile, Mr. Qureshi has insisted that the President is innocent: “The kidney from Mr. Sharif was used to help our ailing national hero Dr. Abdul Qadeer Khan who has been on dialysis of late. Mr. Sharif was an obvious choice for the patriotic task, given that Dr. Khan had insisted on having the organs only from a donor of equally corrupt stature.” He further stated that since Dr. Khan has been out of the nuclear proliferation business since 2003, he cannot pay Mian Nawaz for the ‘help’…

International Pressure on Musharraf

PTI reports that Indian investigation agencies have taken serious notice of the incident after the arrested kidney racket kingpin, Dr. Amit Kumar, also revealed names of some ‘high-profile individuals’ in the Pakistani establishment as his accomplices, during interrogation. Based on the Indian evidence, the US has also been trying to put pressure on President Musharraf to confess to the crime.

However, Musharraf plans to use his Constitutional Powers as the President to pardon himself, saying that he is already widely seen as a national thief and doesn’t require a formal conviction! Instead, he offered Bush a ‘cheap deal’ if he or any of his family-members needed an organ transplant.

In related news, Ahsan Iqbal, Spokesperson of PML-N has lauded General Ashfaq Parvez Kayani’s decision of withdrawing all army officers with two kidneys from Musharraf’s immediate security staff worrying for their health. He described this to be good for the health of the nation’s armed forces in the long run…

Tingling jingling!

2008-02-15T17:57:00.009-05:00

By LoonyTalk

Friday, February 15, 2008

Washington, D.C.: With the US Presidential elections approaching, some jingling slogans are only apt for the occasion:

Republicans

Chalega haathi, badegi poochh,

Na rahega gadha, na gadhe ki poonchh!

Democrats

Gadhe ki padegi jo laat -

Toot jaayenge haathi ke dikhawati daant!

Moral:

“Boo-Hoo!” cries Bill Gates as Jerry Yang makes take-over bid

2008-02-15T16:09:00.046-05:00

By LoonyTalk

Friday, February 15, 2008

Sunnyvale, California: In an interesting turn of events today, Jerry Yang, the mousy-looking CEO of Yahoo!, Inc. made a counter-bid of $ 65 billion to buy out the 9 percent of Microsoft’s common stock shares held by Bill Gates, Co-Founder & Chairman of Microsoft.

In a press release by the company, Yang is quoted as saying that this was “something beyond his wildest dreams after the dramatic events earlier this month!" Speculations are rife that the sudden change in his financial profile has something to do with Jerry showing himself as a Taiwanese poor and benefiting from the charity of the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, or a fortune he earned by using Google AdSense on his home-page. Jerry Yang spoke exclusively to LoonyTalk from ‘Lair of the Loquacious Loon’ to clear the air.

LoonyTalk: Welcome Jerry! Thanks for agreeing to talk to ‘Lair of the Loquacious Loon’.

Jerry Yang: Thanks - the pleasure is all mine! In fact, it is an honor to be here as I have been a big fan of the investigative journalism that you epitomize…

LT: Thanks. As we have seen there has been a lot going on in your company recently. Would you like to throw some light on that?

JY: Yeah, the last week has been a very testing time for Yahoo! and me, as the Board of Directors disapproved Microsoft’s take-over bid saying that we need a ‘toughie’ instead of such a mushy group of people! Then the pointed criticism by the media about my choice of cologne: definitely, I was under tremendous pressure…

LT: So how did you cope up with it? I mean what do you do when you are down?

JY: Well, I had been named Jerry by my parents not only because of my mousy looks, but also because of my habit of teasing the big bullies in school without getting caught! To bell the big cat Microsoft, of late I have been repeatedly watching ‘Tom & Jerry’ to inspire myself about what my namesakes are capable of.

LT: Oh, that explains why you have the title jingle of ‘Tom & Jerry’ as your ringtone…

JY: Exactly.

LT: And what is this news about you taking over Bill Gates’ share in Microsoft? How did you get so much money?

JY: (Smiles) It is a long story. I guess I should give you some background first: As a young child, I did lots of mousy mischief and was a big fan of Bollywood music, especially the song “Yahoo!” from the movie Junglee. I even tried to meet the iconic hero Shammi Kapoor when my family visited Mumbai in 1972, but was disappointed to see a fat and lousy ‘Tummy Kapoor’ instead! The shrewd Raj Kapoor saw a talented child-artiste in me and offered me to work in the movie Bobby (which I eventually did!) However, when my parents asked him to pay for the work, he started singing “Gay gay gay gay gay, Gay re saiba, pyaar mein sauda nahin…” showing his homosexual and pedophilic tendencies and scaring us away!

On the train to Delhi, we serendipitously met a law student named Mayawati and hit it off right away. She was very fond of me and told me about her Bollywood Star Potential (BSP) theory, according to which anyone who is not a Manuwadi cannot become a great actor. In response, I told her about how “Yahoo!” is the best way to greet anyone anywhere…

Nevertheless we parted ways and did not happen to contact each other thereafter. Later she became the Chief Minister of an Indian state in 1995 and I founded 'Yahoo!' a year later.

During her third Chief Ministerial stint in 2003, she invited Bill Gates to set up an office in the then-upcoming Taj Corridor project, which he refused saying that he drank only coffee and not tea, irrespective of it being Taj Mahal or Green Label!

Enraged, Mayawati coined the legendary slogan:

“Khidkiyan, daftar ya electronic-taar,

Inko maaro joote chaar!”

[Editor's Note: Mayawati's strong social message is conveyed in these lines as she warns the people against using the crappy MS Windows operating system, the ever ‘auto-formatting’ MS Office suite and of course, the self-spamming Hotmail e-mails!]

[JY continues…] I had received her invitation to attend the Oath-taking Ceremony last year when she became the Chief Minister again, but couldn’t go.

However, recently on hearing Microsoft’s outrageous bid, she got nostalgic about the sweet memories we had shared more than three decades back and also resented the insulting memories of the Taj Corridor project. Immediately, she transferred me money from one of her numerous ‘Swiss [black?] accounts’. Apparently, this money is sufficient for me to buy out Bill Gates! :)

LT: But how can she afford to give out so much money without asking for anything in return?

JY: Well, given her reputation and impressive rate of amassing wealth (400 % in three years out-of-power, through ‘donations’ by the poor Dalits of the country!), I am sure that she will make up for that soon…

LT: So having friendship with the right people does pay…

JY: Yeah! Now as a thank-you, I’m going to start a BSP faction within the Democrats here to form the first non-communist international political party. I strongly believe that the Dems, with their jack-assinine policies (and party symbol), would find Mayawati a natural ally! :)

LT: Jerry, thanks a lot for taking the time to make these revelations exclusively with us! We wish you could bell many more cats in the years to come…

JY: Sure, with the BSP elephant on your side, ‘Belling Small Pets’ is a non-issue!

PTI reports that Redmond-based Microsoft had little to say Friday beyond a terse statement assuring its shareholders that its board will "carefully and promptly" study the bid.

Forget Lakhtakiya: the Lakwa-Maar is here!

2008-02-12T03:43:00.000-05:00

By LoonyTalk

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

New Delhi: Not to be outdone by India’s Tata Motors, the world’s second largest automaker Toyota Motor Corporation (TMC) today unveiled its version of "the people's car." The mini vehicle tentatively called Lakwa-Maar — which is still technically a prototype — will be built and designed in India but will benefit from Toyota’s long experience in successful automotive innovation.

Explaining the catchy name, Katsuaki Watanabe, president of TMC credited Mr. Ratan Naval Tata of the Tata Group with the idea: “Since our previous two vehicles in India (the MUVs Qualis and Innova) were successful but could not generate the kind of sales that we had expected, we contacted Mr. Tata for help. After a short ride in the Toyota prototype he became convinced that the gimpy motion of the car would paralyze anyone riding it and aptly named it ‘Lakwa-Maar’ to suit Indian sensibilities.”

Learning experience

Mr. Watanabe described the car as a ‘life-altering experience’ in which design was done starting from a clean sheet of paper. “We tried folding the paper in different ways to make the car's body lighter and cheaper, but every time there were concerns about what would happen if the car was parked on the road-side and a street-dog decided to relieve himself! The final design of the Lakwa-Maar is made partly by recycled wood and partly by cloth making it virtually useless to steal: we expect this to have far-fetched consequences in reducing the crime-rate in India that has been bloated by car thefts and the like…”

Following our trend-setting standards of authentic journalism, here are the key facts about the Lakwa-Maar available exclusively with Lair of the Loquacious Loon:

Looks: The Lakwa-Maar keeps in the tradition of the sturdy 'made-in-India' Jugaad all-terrain vehicles that have proven their versatility on the bumpy [and mostly non-existent] Indian roads. It also borrows its impressive [and rather intimidating!] frontal looks (composed of the replicas of four well-bred Arabian horses raising their front legs in the air, to show the vehicle owner's aggression) from the ‘bandwagons’ used in Indian wedding processions.

“The horses in the front of the car do not just provide the stunning looks, but also act as an effective frontal impact barrier in case of a head-on collision at speeds under 15 km per hour”, said an elated Watanabe. It is a marvel of ingenuity that these beautiful horses also conceal the vehicle's spacious boot for storing luggage and cargo! “We did a survey of our potential customers about their needs and found that things such as chrome-wheels, mud-guards, locks and even wiper blades are useless for them in most situations. Hence we designed the car using recycled ply-wood [made from saw-dust discarded by local carpenters], eco-friendly lead-less paint, Eveready® torches for the head/tail lights and finally no permanent roof or provision for wind-screen and shock-absorbers.”

Keeping up to Toyota’s tradition of innovation, in cases of rain or excess sun and with no permanent roof, the Lakwa-Maar uses beach umbrellas sponsored and provided by Coca-Cola India to become the cheapest convertible on road. The customer can choose from Coca-Cola Red, Fanta Orange or Sprite Green, making driving a relaxing and enjoyable experience!

Dimensions: 3.1 metres (10.23 feet) long, and 1.5 metres wide. The height will depend on how many people are standing/sitting in the Lakwa-Maar at a given time. Also, the seating can vary from one to twenty accordingly.

Engine: Rear-drive; a two cylinder engine comprising of two gas cylinders (LPG or CNG) pointed towards the rear of the car that provide thrust for forward movement when the compressed gas passes through the nozzle. Thanks to Toyota’s efficient design, this state-of-the-art technique [that builds upon Newton’s Third Law of Motion and has been used until now only in spaceships] is making its debut in affordable passenger vehicles segment!

Speed: While the initial pick-up of the Lakwa-Maar depends on how far and how fast the driver (or his passengers) is willing to push, the vehicle remains steady [and stationary] like a rock under most test conditions. Some top speeds recorded for the Lakwa-Maar prototype are:

Pedal Mode:

In cases of emergencies [e.g. when there is a bullock cart trying to overtake your beloved Lakwa-Maar and you want to show the bastard his standard or when no gas cylinder is available for stealing], the Lakwa-Maar comes with the innovative option of Manual Over-ride [available until now only in multimillion-dollar aeroplanes for switching control from Auto-Pilot] Using this option, the driver can convert his steering wheel into a hand-pedal [relieving your legs from the stress]: Voila, rotating the steering wheel clockwise will take you forward – the faster you rotate, the faster you go! Go, go and gone… Is there a better way to ride in style? :)

Caution: By operating under the pedal mode, you agree to hand-over the orientation control of the Lakwa-Maar to Toyota’s time-tested Water-Drop Technology®. Toyota recommends you to do so on roads with guard-rails on the sides [to push you back on the road in case you wander off!]

[Toyota’s Water-Drop Technology®: By modeling the forward motion of the Lakwa-Maar as a nonlinear dynamical system that is highly sensitive to initial conditions, the Water-Drop Technology® moves the wheels in a direction which manifests itself as an exponential growth of perturbations in the initial conditions. Alternatively, as a simple analogy, this can be understood as the direction a water drop will take when it is resting on a leaf. (God knows!)]

Engine Mode:

§ Zero passengers: 80 km per hour^# (on a 30 degrees downward incline)

^# As a safety feature, the Lakwa-Maar has been designed with a top speed of 80 km per hour, beyond which Toyota’s state-of-the-art ThermoTech® heat-sensitive sensors (embedded in the front and rear axles) get activated and release the body from the wheels, making it land safely on the road.

§ 1 passenger: 0 km per hour [First get the driver!]

§ 1 driver: 35 km per hour [for a 23 years old, 5-foot tall Caucasian male weighing 54.785 kg and wearing a cotton T-shirt and knee-long shorts, driving the Lakwa-Maar at an altitude of 7000 feet (global coordinates 31°06′40″N, 77°09′14″E) in the northern direction on a 5 degree downward slope.]

§ 1 driver and 3 passengers: 30 km per hour [with the driver in the Lakwa-Maar and the others pushing it from outside]

§ 1 driver and 19 passengers: Are you kidding? :o

In other words, the speed in the Engine Mode depends on the passengers’ size, weight, age, looks and other undisclosed parameters.

Fuel Efficiency: Rarely uses the engine [by relying on the undeterred human strength that has been proven over thousands of years through Darwin’s Theory of Evolution] and hence is very fuel-efficient.

Pollution: Exceeds Indian regulatory requirements and can meet strict Euro IV emission standards in terms of air pollution. However, in terms of overall pollutants, the Lakwa-Maar creates only noise pollution [owing to the drivers of other ‘snooty-big cars’ honking behind you and you cursing the f@#*!^s in return!]

Safety: Unlike the Tata Nano, Maruti Suzuki 800 and other so-called 'small cars', the Lakwa-Maar sets a new benchmark by benefiting from Toyota’s strong record in passenger safety.

§ Auto Crash Notifier: Automatically sends SMS to your near and dear ones about your sad demise in case of an accident [Do let your Toyota dealer know right away if you happen to miraculously survive!]

§ Body Release: Safety feature designed exclusively for the Lakwa-Maar to deal with occasional cases of top-speed (80 km per hour). [For details, see the ‘Speed-> Engine Mode-> Zero passengers' section above.]

§ Side Airbag – Front and Head Airbag – Front: Airbags to be filled with air by the passenger himself in case of an accident and then held in the front and side of his head.

§ Vehicle Stability Control: Thousands of adhesive tapes pasted everywhere in the car (an average of 1000 pieces per square foot) ensure that the car is stable at all times [and doesn’t disintegrate into its components!]

§ 4-Wheel Antilock Braking System: Allows the driver to maintain speed under heavy braking by allowing the wheels to continue to rotate forward and create a spectacularly thrilling situation in an otherwise mundane life!

§ Tire Pressure Monitor: Monitors the tire pressure from being full to going flat… Doesn’t inform you about any of that though!

Accessories:

§ Rear Center Lap/Shoulder Belt: Belts made in top grain Italian leathers, with feather-edged straps and superior edges. Can be used as party-wear or to fix you to the seat [to get an illusion of safety!]

Price: Priceless!

[Editor’s Note:

We at Lair of the Loquacious Loon regret that we do not have any available photographs of the Lakwa-Maar right now. However, with millions of these vehicles going to be on Indian roads soon, we are sure that you won’t have to miss them any longer!]

Chicken beLittled!

2008-02-11T17:38:00.000-05:00

By LoonyTalk

Monday, February 11, 2008

Kolkata: In a serious return to (George) Orwellian times, the Association of Bengali Chickens (ABC) held a protest march today to condemn the left government in the state for allegedly abusing its power by culling chickens to save the lives of undeserving people. Trinapoul(try) Congress, the main opposition party in West Bengal, also shouted anti-government slogans in support of ABC’s call and burnt effigies of the senescent Chief Minister Buddha-deb Bhattacharya and Chef Sanjeev Kapoor [of ‘Khana Khazana’ fame].

When asked by this correspondent about their demands, most hens started brooding and shied away before noted Gandhian and chickenitarian activist Baba Ande came forward to explain the situation: “Up until now we had only heard parables from ‘Animal Farm’ about the communists’ chicanery with our forefathers, but the recent move is outrageous… If we chickens are having an epidemic, is it justified that another man-made genocide be imposed on us to speed up the process? We don’t remember ever asking human patients of AIDS and cancer to be killed lest the disease should spread to the poultry population…”

Amidst encouraging crows by roosters and clucking by the hens, Baba elaborated: “Our problems have already been quite compounded by the unabated illegal immigration of Bangladeshi chickens. By increasing the supply of unskilled chickens willing to undergo labor (pains), they have systematically reduced the wages of those without a high flight education by an estimated 5 percent since the 1990's. All this kept on happening and our elected CPI-M (Communist Poultry of India-Murderer) government did not care to fulfill its electoral promises of implementing the PETA (Poultry Education To All) program!”

Suddenly Rooster Chicken-Tandoori Yadav [pet-in-law of Railways Minister Lalu Prasad Yadav] winged his way forward making a shrill crow. Pushing Baba Ande to the side [using a big butcher knife], he talked about the unprecedented case won by American honeybees [from the latest Hollywood Blockbuster Bee Movie]: “The bees have definitely set up an inspiring example before the world and Bengali murgis are not going to be chickened out so easily! Although bringing a ‘stinky su(e)-su(e) motion’ against the left-handed government is not on our cards right now, I do not rule out the possibility…”

Just at this moment ace journalist Deepak-pak-pak-pak-pak-pakaak-pakaak-pak-pak [from the local newspaper Brave Bengali Quacks (BBQ)] interrupted Chicken-Tandoori to highlight that Mr. Bhattacharya is actually right-handed and instead it is Yadav who has a second-rate political record with pending investigations in the infamous Bihar Chicken Feed Scam! Before the media persons present could understand his cunning smirk, goons from Yadav's Roosters’ Jingoist Division (RJD) kidnapped the BBQ reporter and issued a ransom demand to his family through the press. In the ensuing hullabaloo, the rest of the poultry dispersed to save their lives!

Meanwhile, PTI reports that Hollywood star Chicken Little has appeared in a new YouTube video to show solidarity with Bengali chickens and calling for an end to the senseless slaughter of millions of chickens in Asia:

“Human beings should realize that the value of life is precious universally: whether it be a man or a bird. Even though great men like Gandhi and the Dalai Lama have advocated vegetarianism time and again, most people still can’t change their eating habits. Till such a paradigm shift can occur, the ecosystem will pay the price of human greed…”

HMT: Hail Manmohan’s Timing?

2008-02-11T04:05:00.000-05:00

[Context:

The Daily Tamasha reported on February 9, 2008 in a post titled ‘PM’s revelation : “Nuclear deal just an in-parliament joke. There never was any deal to start-with!”’:

“In a candid revelation to CBS News’ popular prime-time show CBS 60-minutes, Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh sent shock-waves across the world by admitting that “There never was any Nuclear deal, or even the faintest talks of it in real sense, with America. It was just an in-parliament joke started by Congress-chief Sonia Gandhi, who jumbled up America, KFC, bird-flu, and H5N1 (virus) to accidentally ask - ‘Is America supplying us N-virus?’”]

By LoonyTalk

Monday, February 11, 2008

New Delhi: In what could be one of the most embarrassing episodes of his tenure as the Prime Minister, Dr. Manmohan Singh’s PMO today released a press statement saying that his old HMT wrist watch was to blame for the recent troubling revelations made by him about the 123-Nuclear Deal being a sham.

The press release says: “Dr. Singh has had a special relationship with his HMT watch since his school-days, as winding the watch manually and then seeing the time change second-by-second was his favorite (and only) pastime back then.”

[Editor’s Note: It is an inspiring urban legend today how young Mannu (as he was fondly called by his class-mates) used to get easily confused by the difference between ‘Italy’ & ‘Sicily’ and ‘family legacy’ & ‘complete lunacy’ – apparently, the only two criteria used by Congress Chairperson Sonia Gandhi to select the nation’s Prime Minister in 2004! Hence in a TZP-istic beginning, Mannu’s only best friend was his HMT watch that had serendipitously fallen off the teacher’s wrist one day into his shirt pocket when Mannu was getting his daily dose of scolding for not doing… well any damn thing!]

The releases continues: “What had happened was that his watch mysteriously stopped exactly at 00:00:00 one night in 2006 while he was asleep and on waking up he was astonished to see only one hand in the watch! The tremendous work-load as PM soon made him completely forget about the issue and he went ahead with blunders like the 123 Deal. In hindsight it is indeed frightening to note that for more than a year now the Indian Government was being run by a Sardar in permanent 12 o’clock mode…”

PTI reports that the Supreme Court of India has also taken strict notice of the issue while reacting to an appeal filed by the US Ambassador to India Dr. David C. Mulford. In its ruling it has asked the Central Bureau of Investigation to permanently paste three watch hands (in 10:10:35 position) on the glass of Dr. Singh's wrist watch to prevent a possible future repeat of the situation…

Kangaroo-Elephant Tussle: Is Yuvraj stuck in a Love Triangle?

2008-02-10T18:45:00.000-05:00

[Parental Guidance:

This article contains disturbing revelations.

PG-13 - Parents Strongly Cautioned - Some material may be inappropriate for children under 13.]

By LoonyTalk

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Melbourne, Australia: Based on sensational insider reports, it has been established beyond doubt that the main reason for Indian cricketer Yuvraj Singh’s poor performance in the current Border-Gavaskar Trophy has been the despairing dilemma in his heart that freezes his feet and stiffens his body every time he comes to the crease.

Yuvi’s closest friend Bobby Darling [currently shopping for the cricketer’s clothes in Europe] remarked: “I know Yuvraj ‘inside-out’! It is his heart-rending agony that has made him invent idiotic shots anytime he is batting these days - shots that he won’t even have imagined during the Twenty20 World Cup last year!”

Although nobody can dispute these insightful comments about Yuvi’s batting performance, the strongest indication about the actual situation was given today by Andrew Symonds during an exclusive interview with “Lair of the Loquacious Loon (LOTLL)” after India convincingly won the Melbourne ODI, but Yuvraj once again failed to impress.

Filling in the shoes of our naïve sports correspondent, I used the classic age-old technique of hypnosis to bring out the truth behind the recent controversy in Sydney involving Turbanator Harbhajan Singh: By giving Andrew a bunch of bananas [to shrewdly control his conscience] I asked him a barrage of questions on the issue. Merrily munching the bananas, the Australian all-rounder truthfully confessed that it was not him but his skipper Ricky Ponting who had taken serious offence to Bhajji calling Symonds “MaaJi”. Interestingly Bhajji’s cunning wink while making the remark had given the Captain cold feet. Unable to speak clearly [owing to the bananas stuffed in his mouth] Symonds went on to arrange the banana peels in a cryptic manner on the floor to explain the real story.

Based on our fool-proof deciphering of this ape-code, here is the meat for the first time before the world: It all began during the Twenty20 World Cup when Yuvraj happily hit 6 sixes in India’s match against England and subsequently got loads of accolades from the whole cricketing world. The same evening he is said to have received this SMS from Ricky Ponting:

“That one over with your six sixes -

May have won you adulation of both sexes;

But do listen to your heart beating -

What does it say? (‘Ponting, Ponting, Ponting…’)”

The Aussie Skipper then confessed his crush to the star Indian batsman in a personal meeting, which the latter rejected due to ‘prior commitments’ at the time.

Following this, they did not happen to talk to each other, but could never completely forget the incident. When the Indian Team arrived in Australia this year, the heart-broken Ponting affectionately reminded Yuvi about the Cupid’s Arrow that had bruised his heart so badly! Ponting also took the stylish left-hand batsman to his home for a private dinner: It cannot be ascertained if he showed him only the apartment or more…

This was the first time when Yuvraj realized the genuineness of Ponting’s aching heart. However, as luck would have it, just after winning the Twenty20 World Cup, amidst the assorted fortunes that came with it, Captain MS Dhoni had asked his ‘single team-mates’ for a collective marriage pact that said that if they could not find their dream spouses by the beginning of 2008, they will always stay together like one soul residing in different bodies…

Overwhelmed with emotions, Yuvraj shared his dilemma with buddy Bhajji [since Bobby Darling had been busy] and also told him how Andrew Symonds knew about that ‘special evening’ he enjoyed with the Australian Skipper! As it turns out, during the Sydney Test, when the Sardar came across Symonds, he could not resist suggesting that he knew the real-story and unwittingly created a controversy…

[Editor’s Note: It is worthwhile to note here that the Kangaroo Team respects Symonds tremendously (owing to his characteristic traits resembling man’s revered forefathers) and Ricky fondly calls him as ‘Mom’ to show the motherly respect that he commands.]

Meanwhile, Sachin Tendulkar who was also present on the occasion, was oblivious to the depth of the issue and gullibly thought that Bhajji had called him “MaaJi” [instead of Symonds], to tease the Little Master about his shrill girlish voice and short stature.

In a strange turn of events, Ricky came to believe that Bhajji was a possible contender for Yuvi, given their common Punjab roots, single status and ample time spent together in the Nets. That Yuvi had told the secret to the spinner [or swindler?] only added oil to the fire! Determined to remove the cute Surd from his soil, he immediately lodged racism charges against him with the Match Referee Mike Procter in an apparent reference to the ‘race that had been going on between him and the spinner [for Yuvi]’!

Based on his experience over the years Mike Procter had observed what relationship crises can do to talented batsmen [like Brian Lara]. Understandably his genuine desire to help Ponting out of the trouble resulted in a decision to take "the white man's word against that of the brown man" [Quote Courtesy: Sunny Gavaskar] and accept the Aussie allegations despite no proofs! Only the diplomacy [and straight sexual orientation] of veteran cricketer Anil Kumble finally convinced the Kangaroos [read ‘Ricky Ponting’] that Yuvi will remain available to all but Bhajji.

While the drama was unfolding, late one night just before the final Adelaide Test match, Dhoni saw Ganguly getting out of Yuvraj’s room with a bottle of moisturizer in his hand– Furious over the betrayal, he got enraged beyond limits and instantaneously dismissed the Bengal Tiger from his ODI team to ascertain his ‘impenetrable hold’ over the young players.

Team-mates approve the ‘Kangaroo-Elephant Tussle’ hypothesis

“Yes, this analysis fits in perfectly with what I have seen during the Net-Practice and heard being whispered in the Dressing Room” said Baby Giraffe Ishant Sharma endorsing our path-breaking journalism. He added, “The Deepika-Yuvraj controversy is just eyewash; she is basically a very spiritual-minded woman and aspires to become the Kalyugi Panchali [of Cricket India] by flirting with multiple players simultaneously. Unknown to her, she doesn’t stand the smallest chance in this ‘tightly-knit’ team which plays and lives as a single unit!”

In a separate tête-à-tête on the same evening, the team’s official tribal dancer S. Sreesanth told us: “Right now Yuvraj is more concerned about who is watching his bum during India-Australia matches: the Aussie Skipper at first slip, or his own Skipper back in the Pavilion! With the Valentine’s Day approaching nearer, the dilemma about the ‘right-man-in-his-life’ has disturbed Yuvi’s concentration…” No sooner had Sreesanth finished saying this and getting dressed in the skimpy banana leaves, than he excused himself to run excitedly for his nocturnal hoedown adventures amidst reverberating beats of tribal drums.

The spokespersons for BCCI and Cricket Australia were unavailable for comments.

Bal Thackeray wishes the country a Happy Valentine’s Day!

2008-02-10T08:26:00.000-05:00

By LoonyTalk

Saturday, February 9, 2008

Mumbai: The Shiv Sena supremo Balasaheb Thackeray today wished the nation greetings for the upcoming Valentine’s Day, calling it an ‘authentic Marathi festival’!

In an enlightening editorial published in the party's mouthpiece Saamna, the popular leader [fondly called ‘Tiger’ by SIMI activists] elaborated the striking similarities between V-Day and the Marathi festivals Bail Pola and Nag Panchami - “Just as people worship bullocks during Bail Pola and snakes during Nag Panchami, giving a Valentine’s Day card to one of our ‘pehelwaan’ Shiv Sainik goons is akin to Bail Pola and the numerous February 14 greetings that I’m receiving lately are reminders of Nag Panchami…”

Showing outstanding eagerness to not be left behind his Uncle, of late Raj Thackeray has emerged as the second biggest champion of Valentine’s Day! He has been camping outside the Post Office next to the Juhu Marriott Hotel in Mumbai for the past three days to mail greetings during the day and look for Sweet-Valentines coming out of the hotel at night. Activists of the MNS are also giving ‘jaadu-ki-jhappis’ to North Indians in and around Mumbai and distributing Prasad of the Chhath Puja to all Taxi drivers.

Raj has reportedly sent a bouquet of red roses with greetings to the Bachchan residence ‘Prateeksha’, expressing his profound love for the senior actor. Addressing the press, Baby B Abhishek confirmed receiving Raj’s roses addressed to his Dad, but added that they were actually meant for him, given his new-found status as the ‘No. 1 Gay Icon of Mumbai’! He elaborated: “I definitely feel ‘crushed’ [i.e., ‘target of crushes’] as it is tough being every man’s dream-boy! Still, it would be wrong to not confess now that I’ve myself had a crush on Raj since my teens. His athletic physique, strong views on nationalism and enchanting Tilak have captured my imagination since our first fateful meeting on the day I turned [sweet] 16! Over the years, had I received even the slightest hint, by now I would have been ‘happily settled’ with him as my loving aged spouse, instead of the annoying plastic dokri my parents have dumped on me! It is an irony of love that we did not express our feelings to each other for so long…”

Following this, Bachchan Jr. started sobbing for a couple of minutes before his eyes twinkled, gloom got dispelled and mouth started salivating by the sight of a young male journalist in the front row whom the Gay Icon immediately started convincing for a prolonged candle-light dinner in his bed-room…

Meanwhile, Balasaheb has vehemently denied reports that his previous objection to the festival was due to some disturbing childhood memories. Over the years some old Shiv Sainiks have ascribed the anguish to the Sher’s first V-Day proposal getting rejected during early teens. On being repeatedly pursued, the girl had pulled very hard on the Tiger-mane [i.e., ‘baal’] and trauma of the resultant persistent itch on the scalp inspired him to found the Shiv Sena [in a Shah Jahan-istic moment of truth] about three decades later…

Additional media speculations attribute this change-of-heart to Outlook magazine’s recent proposal of sainthood for Balasaheb [calling him ‘Saint Bal-entine’] that has been endorsed by Maqbool Fida Husain [of Gaja Gamini defame] and Justice B. N. Srikrishna [of the erstwhile Srikrishna Commission]. Barely able to express his elation on hearing this news, Thackeray gushed: "I have been bestowed with many honors during my long political career, but this is right at the top! When your best friends compare you with Shri Shri 108 Shri Sant Valentine himself, it’s very, very special…”

However, he was furious with attempts by the Maharasthra New-construction Army (MNS) to steal the show: "There's only one guardian for the Archies’ Galleries worldwide, that's Shiv Sena, Shiv Sena and only Shiv Sena!"

Regardless of the criticism, MNS has offered to organize an inter-collegiate ‘Bal(l) Dance’ competition by its students’ wing as a tribute to the proposed sainthood of the former Hindu Hridayasamraat.

Saffron Brigades join in!

The Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh (RSS) has joined the love parade by agreeing to provide RSS feeds about all Valentine’s Day related news from across the globe.

On the other hand, the Vishwa Hindu Parishad (VHP) despite being confused as usual, has expressed ‘Very High Probability’ that it will celebrate V-day by leading kar sewaks to the Archies Galleries for ‘liberating’ [looting?] greetings en-mass!

Pakistan Diary

2008-02-08T07:14:00.001-05:00

Pakistan to hand over nukes to Infosys

By LoonyTalk

Friday, February 8, 2008

Islamabad: In a major breakthrough for the business negotiations between India and Pakistan, the Government of Pakistan today agreed to place its nuclear stockpile in the Indian offices of Infosys, underlining the IT giant's big leap into the BPO sector. The Memorandum of Understanding (MoU) for the same was signed between Mr. Nandan Nilekani of Infosys and his North Korean counterpart Nuke-Maine Lee officiating for the Pakistani Government. It is understood that with the country’s ace smuggler Dr. Abdul Qadeer Khan under house-arrest, Mr. Lee had been on a regular visit to smuggle nukes from Pakistan and was asked to make a proxy attendance for the former nuclear top scientist.

According to the terms of the MoU, Infosys will host the Pak nukes on its campuses across all the major cities of India in return for Infosys BPO, a subsidiary of Infosys Technologies, getting the contract to provide the Pak Army and its affiliates [namely the Taliban and terrorist organizations in Jammu & Kashmir] with financial and accounting services and purchase-order processing.

The reaction to the news in Infosys campuses has been outstanding… B. Ravi Muthukrishna, a software engineer in the Infosys Bangalore campus described this as a dream come true: “I have always wanted to get my pictures clicked while sitting on top of nukes to impress my house-maid. Now I can sense that my dream is about to come true!” Ravi has already purchased a Nikon Digital SLR camera in preparation for the event. The nukes are expected to be kept in the Employees’ Recreation Room in Infosys offices to give the employees a delusion of enhanced safety.

Explaining the Pak Government’s decision to an anxious world media, the country’s President Pervez Musharraf said that the increasing costs of developing missiles to deliver nukes to far-off targets in India were taking a toll on the Pakistani economy and the terrorism efforts in Jammu & Kashmir. PTI reports that this decision was not taken in haste since there had been a luncheon meeting of the country’s top defense council and the Ministry of Terrorist Affairs that lasted over 4 hours to complete the 56-course meal prepared for the occasion.

Coming from the meeting, a seemingly well-fed Musharraf went on to suggest the problems the country had been facing: “For three consecutive years now, we have been forced to channelize money away from the terrorism-related activities in India, support for the Taliban in Afghanistan and pensions for the families of those Talibani Commanders who have died in the War on Terror. So while discussing the situation with the ISI Chief, I discovered that a higher number of ISI agents work in India (than Pakistan), making the nukes much safer there! We should remember that right from the beginning of our missile program Pakistan’s main goal has been to develop the capability to credibly deliver nuclear warheads in the key business-centers of India during a war. In this context, the current initiative of my government will have an added advantage, since in case of war most of the nukes will already be at the target and this would save us costs of delivering them there. All that will be needed in such scenarios will be for one of our covered (under-cover) agents to simply go to the location and initiate the nuclear reaction.”

When asked by a journalist how this initiation was supposed to be done, the President passed on the question to the Army Chief General Ashfaq Parvez Kayani. The General started by describing the concepts of radioactivity, followed by reading the personal diploma awarded jointly to Madame Marie Curie and her husband Pierre Curie as part of the Nobel Prize in Physics (1896). He had just finished reading the names of signatories on the diploma when Musharraf got bored and subsequently suggested that the bomb be simply ignited by a match-stick. When told that this cannot be done, he got infuriated and threatened to wind up the country’s nuclear program for producing a bomb that won’t even catch fire!

The world is closely watching the success of this bold move by the Pak Government and Israel is said to have committed to handing its nukes to the Palestinians if this Neo-Commercial experiment works.

Related News

‘Big Bin’ to lead the Al-Qaeda

By LoonyTalk

Friday, February 8, 2008

Presidential Palace, Islamabad: The Pakistani Finance Ministry has recently suggested to Osama Bin Laden to change his name to the cooler, trendier and most importantly, easier-to-spell ‘Big Bin’.

PTI reports that Osama Bin Laden had recently complained to the Pakistani Finance Ministry about the consistent spelling mistakes being made by the ministerial clerk in issuing his paychecks. In response, the Ministry has defended its staff-person saying that spelling “Osama bin Muhammad bin 'Awad bin Laden” is too confusing and hence he should rather shorten his name to “Big Bin”!

Of late Osama and most of the Taliban cadre have also been disgruntled as no bank is willing to encash the checks issued to them by the Ministry apprehending that they may get bounced! The official spokesperson for the Pakistani government was not available for comments.

JEM striving for the Japan Quality Medal and Deming Prize

By LoonyTalk

Friday, February 8, 2008

Rawalpindi: Jaish-e-Mohammed (JEM) founder Maulana Masood Azhar has set very high standards for his organization after being impressed by the steady Fourth Quarter Results published by Toyota Motors last week. He has even gone on to suggest his secret ambition to bag the coveted Japan Quality Medal and Deming Prize for his organization’s efficiency by 2009 in an exclusive tête-à-tête with this correspondent. [It is worthwhile to note that Toyota has been following the techniques of Total Quality Management since 1960's.]

Explaining how three Mujahideens of the JEM were killed in Rawalpindi in the second week of January 2008, Azhar dismissed these as ‘routine quality tests’ to check the effectiveness of the bombs. “It is getting increasingly difficult for us nowadays to ascertain the quality of bombs obtained from the Pakistan Army’s arms depot [using the ration-cards provided by the Pakistan Government].” Informed sources suggest that the Mujahideens may have exploded themselves while rehearsing for their roles as suicide bombers in the Kashmir Valley.

The Maulana added: “You see, since the beginning of the Afghanistan war in 2001, the Pak government had started outsourcing phuss-bombs [ones that sound like a coin being dropped in an empty brass pitcher] from Sri Kaliswari Fire Works Pvt Ltd, Sivakasi, India for its frontline troops, so as to prevent any of the Taliban allies from being killed. Accidentally some batches of these phuss-bombs got mixed with those meant for our sacrosanct Kashmir operations and now our Mujahideens have to first test each sample bomb from a given batch to ascertain its targeted territory… But don’t worry, we shall overcome! Allah-o-Akbar!!”

Celebrations of the Chinese New Year reported in NWFP

By LoonyTalk

Friday, February 8, 2008

Quetta: Incidents of celebrations of the Chinese New Year by both the US and Talibani forces have been reported from Pakistan's tribal belt in the northwest and interior Baluchistan in the south. The US Marines are said to have been pleasantly surprised when a number of rockets launched by them dispersed into a dazzling display of myriad colors in the smoky war-sky. An immediate common assumption was that as part of President Bush’s Mission of Solidarity with the Chinese Government, the soldiers were being provided with the fireworks to mark the upcoming Chinese New Year; ironically some others suspected a stinky ‘rocket scandal’ as the possible cause.

Giving details about the situation, the Interior Ministry spokesperson Brig (Retd) Javed Iqbal Cheema confessed that Pakistan has been finding the sneaking in of new Chinese weaponry increasingly difficult since Dr. AQ Khan’s house-arrest in 2004. He said, “To add shame to our misery, the recent turn of events has made the FBI aware of the fool-proof game-plan by ISI to exchange cheap Chinese-made duplicate rockets with the original US ones…” Almost as soon as he had said this, the Brigadier started crying profusely and rolling over the dais in anguish, depressed at the sorry state of his country’s armed forces! He was carried away by some shop-keepers who alleged that his wife had not paid them their monthly dues.

Interestingly, the US Marines are said to have had a narrow escape when the rockets launched from the Talibani side also turned out to be New Year fireworks. Apparently, the Pakistani Army had provided the Taliban also with fake ammunition: This recent development has deepened the faith of the Bush government in the wisdom of an alliance with Pakistan in the War on Terror!

“We would have been devastated if we had any other allies… It is only because of the shrewd planning of the ISI that some precious lives were saved and the soldiers had fun in the war zone celebrating the Chinese New Year”, said President Bush who of course looked disappointed by the happenings, since the target for the number of Marines to be lost that day could not be achieved. US Defense Secretary Robert Gates assured him by saying: “We are definitely running behind schedule Sir, but we’ll catch up soon!” To this Bush quipped that they should rather be running behind the Taliban operatives in Afghanistan…

Editorial Note in Vest (as opposed to ‘brief’):

Who would have thought that with Pakistan joining the nuclear arms race, the dynamics of weapon delivery systems in the world would be changed so dramatically so soon! Thanks to Pak help, North Korean house-wives and peasants are now free to purchase mini-nukes for use in mouse traps in homes and fields. This has raised the per capita food production in the impoverished country.

“Just like the Tata Nano, we have made (nuclear) technology available to the masses worldwide and helped reduce the cultural divide by providing identical weapons to both warring factions. Such rare deeds of equality are expected to symbolically show them the futility of war... Masha-Allah!!” These were the joyous words of a Pakistani lawyer to our brave correspondent LoonyTalk as the former was taken away to be imprisoned for an indefinite period.

Hats off to the Pakistani spirit: all of us can learn something from them… :)

AIMPLB promises to improve the Fatwa system

2008-02-07T23:14:00.000-05:00

[Context:

The Daily Tamasha reported on February 7, 2008 in a post titled 'Sania shocked at no fresh Fatwas after her Bangalore Open boycott':

“India’s reigning tennis sensation and aspiring super-model, Sania Mirza today expressed shock and awe at not receiving any fresh Fatwas from any of the fundamentalist organizations, after her potentially enraging boycott of Bangalore Open to be held, probably, in Bangalore.”]

By LoonyTalk

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Hyderabad: Taking serious cognizance of Sania’s concerns, Maulana Fatwuddin, General Secretary of the All India Muslim Players’ Law Board (AIMPLB) has clarified that he would take immediate action against the irresponsible Moulvis responsible for the embarrassing situation. He went on to say: “The AIMPLB has had a glorious history of issuing The Fatwa right away without pondering over it, simply basing it on a few MBD pass-books that obviate reading the Hadeeses, Sharia and some Aayats (verses) of the holy Quran. People should realize that we face the same problem of docket explosion as the Indian courts and are going to propose the issuance of fast-track fatwas by Google News. Under this hi-tech system, as soon as news concerning a Muslim player (especially women) in India is tracked by Googlebot, a fatwa in his/her name will be issued automatically and the player will be asked to apologize publicly for whatever it is that he/she has done. Not only would such an approach be scalable in the long run, it will also act as a deterrent against Mis-Fatwas.”

PTI reports that there has been an increased interest being shown by big internet companies in the proposed fatwa-issuance system, popularly being referred in media as the ‘Lakhfatwiya-Maar’, since it can issue more than 1 lakh fatwas instantaneously! Bill Gates has famously promised to buy out any company that implements the system, citing that his is the only authentic Islamic internet company. [Researchers at the Jama Masjid in Hawaii have found that the Windows Genuine Advantage authenticator mimics the ‘jharokhas’ that were found in most Mughal architecture to allow women to see the events outside without being seen (Purdah). ]

Finally, as anticipated earlier, the fatwa for Sania in the latest controversy had been accidentally delivered to Leander Paes after he was seen wearing a ‘provoking & unislamic dress’ in preparation for the upcoming tournament. Moreover, to add to Paes’ misery, most people across religious divides have supported the Mis-Fatwa issued to him calling his act a crime against humanity!

MNS to recruit Civil Engineering students from IT-BHU

2008-02-07T21:58:00.000-05:00

[Context:
The Daily Tamasha reported on February 3, 2008 in a post titled 'Raj Thackeray' signs 5-film deal with bhojpuri filmmaker':
“In a strange turn of events, just a day after his supporters beat up North-Indian taxiwaalas for sporting posters of Sonali Bendre on the taxi’s inside walls (in addition to being North-Indians), Raj Thakarey signed a 5-Bhojpuri-film-deal with Kishanlal Tiwari, a prominent producer-director-lightboy from the bhaiyya-land.”]

By LoonyTalk

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Varanasi: In an unanticipated development today, the Training & Placement In-charge of IT-BHU has invited Maharashtra New-construction Army (MNS) for recruiting the Civil Engineering students on campus. On being asked about what inspired him for such a bold move, the foresighted T&P In-charge described this as a natural outcome: “You see, the name ‘Maharashtra New-construction Army’ sounds more like the local construction contractors that we have around Banaras than a political party. Our hypothesis is that while the MNS party-workers will destroy public property, its own civil engineers will help bring in money by winning the repair tenders advertised by the government. Such synergistic activities are a must to revive the economy!”

On being asked by this correspondent, most civil engineering students agreed that such exciting job-profiles would surely lure them to Civil Engineering than the dull software jobs currently being offered. [PTI reports that a similar invitation by the TPO, IT-BHU to the Al-Qaeda in 2001 was stopped by the intelligence agencies.]

Meanwhile, this decision by RT (as Michael Jackson fondly called him!) has left all the political parties stunned. It is believed that this is a shrewd move by the MNS to foray into the Hindi-heartland, just like Thakur Amar Singh has tried to establish a foothold in Mumbai.

BJP leader and cine star Shotgun Sinha even went ahead to allege that Raj was behind the banning of Ravi Kishan and Prabhuji Mithun Da’s movies by the Bihar and Jharkhand Motion Pictures Association (BJMPA), as this move would lead to a vacuum for good movies in the prosperous industry. On the other hand, MNS has vehemently denied this allegation by pointing out that BJMPA has ‘BJP’ embedded in it and so is clearly an ally of the Bharatiya Janta Party. [Shotgun is currently shooting for ‘Raja Thakur’ with Shakti Kapoor playing as his assistant in a fond reminiscence of the latter’s pivotal and trend-setting role in the 1990’s superhit ‘Raja Babu’!]

Finally, in a related move, the self-declared politically neutral King Khan entered the political circus today. Khan has decided to lodge a case against Raj Thackeray saying that it was he who had popularized the name by his character named Raj in YashRaj’s cloned movies and MNS should not be allowed to encash his hard-earned mass appeal! Neither MNS nor YashRaj’s lesser known son Uday Chopra were available for comments.

[Publisher's Note:

Inspired by the path-breaking journalism done by The Daily Tamasha, LoonyTalk posted a similar entry as a comment on “Raj Thackeray signs 5-film deal with Bhojpuri filmmaker” earlier, which has been reposted here for the readers' benefit. :)]